A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.