cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
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Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.