1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
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A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*