Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
seems fine
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.