Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
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“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Nomnomnomnom
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.