Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I have a type: disappointing
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.