I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
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“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Hey I worked for it too!
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”