I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
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*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it