20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.