Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
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The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.