I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.