[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
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showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together