thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
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My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?