My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
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Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Remember folks 😂
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.