Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
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STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Erm I’m gonna say no
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.