Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
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[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show