I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
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Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
absolutely not
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
me working on my assignments ^-^
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison