Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
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If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants