I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
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I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.