*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
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Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is