me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
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Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …