A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Bread puns are on the rise!
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
How your email finds me
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
bugs when you lift up a rock
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.