I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
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I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”