Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
You Might Also Like
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink