Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
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Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.