Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.