Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
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me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
this is how life feels
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.