I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
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They also CAN sing✌️
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.