It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.