I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
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@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.