Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
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Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
HOW DARE YOU
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
SCARY COSTUME
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents