Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
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There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
is this a warning or an offer?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Erm…
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them