help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Who does Amazon think I am?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if