Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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not seeing the problem
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Bed should get ready for ME
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
life finds a way
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?