Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
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A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.