If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
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Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
*jazz hands*
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics