Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
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Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Netflix: We have Less
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.