I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
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Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.