Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
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Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
12653.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
#dnd #ttrpg
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos