Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please