DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
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me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense