My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
i- i did not expect this
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me