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Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up