If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries