if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
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Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
These aliens are taking forever.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
your honor my client chooses dare
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them