My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
this is uni
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread