ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
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The remote does not go next to the TV. Thatβs the opposite of why you have a remote.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Donβt cry because itβs over. Cry because youβre just a head in a jar in some science lab.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Me: I really shouldnβt be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay thatβs weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
i donβt trust someone who says their ideal date is a βhikeβ
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* Whatβs with the lab coat?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
#ParentingFacts
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
In email they should change βSave As Newβ to βUgh, Iβll Deal With That Later.β
I set the automatic reply on my work email to βI don’t negotiate with terrorists.β
Now we wait.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
CLERK: Thatβll be 95 cents.
ME: Hereβs a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. Iβm very secretive
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”