A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.