I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
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SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,