“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.